Want to Ask for Something Without the Guilt? Meet DEAR MAN.

Let’s be honest — asking for what you need isn’t always easy.

You might worry you’re being “too much.”
You replay the conversation in your head a dozen times.
Or you convince yourself it’s not worth bringing up because “you’ll just deal with it.”

Sound familiar?

The truth is, so many of us were never taught how to ask for something directly — especially without over-explaining, people-pleasing, or shutting down altogether. That’s where DEAR MAN, a core DBT skill, can help.

Wait — What’s DBT?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of therapy that helps people manage intense emotions, improve relationships, and feel more in control of their reactions. Originally developed to support people who feel things deeply — like big waves of emotion, impulsive reactions, or black-and-white thinking — DBT has since become helpful for anyone looking for more balance.

At its core, DBT teaches practical, easy-to-remember skills to help you:
● Navigate confl ict without losing yourself
● Calm your body and mind when you feel overwhelmed
● Make decisions that align with your values
● Strengthen your relationships through clear and respectful communication

If you’ve ever felt like you’re either “too much” or “not enough,” DBT offers tools that meet you in that space — with compassion and structure.

One of those tools is called DEAR MAN, and it’s all about learning to speak up for your needs, without guilt.

So What Is DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN is a skill for assertive communication. It’s about expressing what you need or setting a boundary — clearly and kindly — without guilt, apologizing for your needs, or getting swept up in emotion.

Let’s break it down:
D – Describe the situation (just the facts)
E – Express how you feel or what you believe
A – Assert what you need (clearly ask)
R – Reinforce why it matters / the benefit
And to help it land, use your MAN skills:
M – Mindful (stay focused, don’t get derailed)
A – Appear confident (even if you’re nervous)
N – Negotiate (if needed, offer or consider compromise)

Here’s What That Might Look Like…
Let’s say your roommate always leaves dishes in the sink, and it’s driving you nuts — but you’ve been avoiding it.

A DEAR MAN approach might sound like:
“Hey, I’ve noticed the dishes have been piling up more often this week (Describe). I’ve been feeling overwhelmed when I walk into the kitchen like I have to clean up right away (Express). I’d like us to stick to washing our own dishes the same day we use them (Assert). That way we both get to enjoy a clean space without added stress (Reinforce).”

Then you hold your ground — staying present, calm, and open to hearing their side, too.

Why It Works
DEAR MAN helps take the drama out of difficult conversations.
It’s structured, which is helpful when you’re anxious or feeling small.
And most importantly, it reminds you: your needs are valid.
Being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive. It means being real — with respect.

If You’ve Been Swallowing Your Needs…
You’re not alone. So many of us were taught to prioritize harmony over honesty. But you deserve to be heard — and DEAR MAN can help you practice that, one conversation at a time.

At Ida Lillie, we support clients in learning skills like this to feel more empowered, not just in relationships, but in everyday life.